This morning, I was spending time with my journal. As I have not been journaling that frequently of late, I took some time to read back through some of the more recent entries…many of which were from several months ago. I was particularly struck by my entry last fall when we first began our last bible study. In the first video session, Beth asked us to spend some time writing a letter to God answering Jesus’ question in John 1:38. In this passage, Jesus finds his soon-to-be new disciples trailing behind him and he turns to them and asks “What do you want?”
What do I want? As I pictured myself following behind Jesus, wanting to be near Him in this new year, I wondered again what I would say if He looked me in the eye and said “Beloved Child, what do you want?” This is what I wrote in my journal last fall and I believe it is still the desire of my heart….perhaps of yours as well.
I want You! I want more of You…all of You, even though I know I can’t even begin to comprehend a portion of Who You are. I want to be obsessed with You….possessed by You, in the ways that I have experienced before. Many times, I have visited that place of living completely in, by and through You. That Spirit-filled place that makes me alive with parts of myself that I can only be in You. Alive with creativitiy and zeal, awakened with a tender heart of love and compassion. A place where my spirit is quiet and restful, yet energized and creative. In this place, I can release my own agenda for Yours. In this place, I sit back in awe and humility at the ways that You can use me. In this place, I am aware of Your presence in each moment and I am never alone. I live in continual relationship, love and cooperation. I am part of Your Kingdom and I am part of the healing love, mercy and grace that You are pouring out on this broken world. In this place, Your passions are my passions It is the state of being for which I was created. It is home.
Papa God, forgive my wandering. Forgive my forgetfullness. I want to return home. Remind me when I choose independence that I was never meant to live this life on my own. I was never meant to figure it out by myself. I am Your child and You are my God. What do I want, You ask? I want You. I want to come home.